Carson

I have a very close friend who is going through every pregnant womans worst fear. She and her husband were told at 27 weeks gestation, their baby boy would not likely survive his birth, or if he does he would pass away not long after, and if by some miracle he defies those odds, he will live severely disabled needing constant care all his life be it a few days, weeks, months, years, or... how long no one knows.

At some point after their "green light, everything looks good" ultrasound at 20 weeks, Carson's brain stopped developing properly and basically hemorrhaged. He's had hydrocephalus and his cerebellum has not grown properly. Because my friend has gestational diabetes, they were scheduled for another ultrasound at 27 weeks just to measure the size of the baby. Had it not been for that condition, prompting that ultrasound, they would not have known any of this until his birth.

My friends name is Alicia, but I call her Cheddar, Cheddy, Ched, or some form of cheese. (Yes, there is a story there...) Cheddy has become like a sister to me, and I love her very very much. She and I are very different in some ways. She would like a house in a small town of about 500, with a daisy lined white picket fence and a summertime 4th of July parade featuring all the locals. I'm a pretty "brass tacks" gritty somewhat dilapidated brownstone city girl who'd just assume ditch the 4th of July parade for Bumbershoot and Folk-Life downtown. I don't think either of us would argue that we find this part of each other hard to understand or swallow at times. But there are two things that unite us over all of that, bridging the gap in our personalities and bonding us together as dear friends and sisters. It is the acute awareness of our sin and need for Jesus. God brought us together as friends, and despite our superficial differences, this is why I love her:

One of the things I love most about her is her honesty, willingness to be transparent, vulnerable, and to hear hard words. A self confessed people pleasing perfectionist, Ched would prefer to have a life plan handed down from heaven with color coding, Wikipedia articles, and other comprehensive reference materials. I'm pretty sure she's disappointed "Strong" didn't develop a "Concordance" specifically addressed to the unfolding of her life. This will make her laugh... because she knows it's true. She's not afraid to admit this, or have someone say it about her (I asked her even though I knew she'd be ok with it). She knows that that stuff doesn't bring her closer to God, and more than anything she want's to be close to God. I remember a few years ago, her telling me and another good friend of ours, Ann, that she knows she needs to learn how to be still, and not do anything, and to let God "do", but that she didn't even know how to start to learn how to be still. Ann and I both told her to just sit and do nothing - no expectations from God... just calling out to him. It was like she was a deer in headlights, completely knowing but completely confused. She is a transformed woman today.

Cheddy is an amazing woman, and has grown in Jesus a great deal over the years since that conversation, but in the last 12 weeks since she received the life-altering news about Carson, I have watched her struggle and surrender in ways some people live to be 100 and never do. Why? Because she is not enough and she knows it. On her knees, messy and wrecked... begging and pleading and bartering with God to change her circumstances, asking for a miracle of full and complete healing of Carson's little body and brain, she has come to Him, empty of herself, crying out, unable to fix this - in any possible way. All she can do is turn to Jesus... empty. Willing to accept that he may not perform a miracle... that he probably will not... but still asking, still hopeful and knowing that he can and does heal. We want that. We all want that and are all asking for that. But what if God doesn't choose to heal Carson here on earth? Is he not still God? Do we not still worship him? Do we claim to know better that him? Alicia is at the end of herself, messy, hurting, angry, confused... But she still worships Jesus.

It's been heart wrenching. I have never been the friend of someone who has had to go through this devastating experience. It's been humbling to walk with her in her darkest most cavernous-feeling places. It's been an honor to know her and see her heart turn to God in her utter weakness. It's been difficult for me at times to know what to say, and how to say it. It's been silencing to know and see how God uses tribulation for his glory. It's been raw, and painful, and hard... This is unchartered territory for everyone. But what I do know is, that God's got this one.

Alicia is scheduled for a c-section this Wednesday Sept. 29th at 10:30am. I will be at the hospital praying for her, Carson, the doctors, her family... Please pray with me. Here is a link to Team Carson on Facebook.

Parenting According to Matthew 7:5

It's been a rough week for me. As I mentioned in my first post, Devon's heading off to college, round two. I should have realized the mounting tension over the summer... The desire I had for a perfect transition between home and dorm, childhood and adulthood, life as a single mom to life as a single person... Had I really thought any of it through?

I said to a friend the other day, 'I will contend that for parents who are intentional in their role, some of the toughest years of parenting a child are the first few that they aren't one anymore'. No one warned me of this! In all the books I've read, conversations I've had, workshops I've been to (I was a "Parent Resource Coordinator" at one time, for Pete's-sake!) no one ever said, "Gosh, when Devon gets to be 19-20, you're going to have to figure out how to help him finish growing up in the areas he didn't, while recognizing all the areas he is now good to go, and honoring him as a grown-up, but still maturing... And as someone who is amazing and always has been, but is inexperienced and inherently naive by lack of years on the planet, but be sensitive to his increased autonomy... Oh, and you're going to have to do this all long distance, over the phone, talking only once every week or so and since your still going to be single by that time - then your still going to have to be doing it by yourself". Uhmm, how the heck to you still parent an adult anyway?!! No one told me this!!!

Well, Devon and I went back and forth on some hard stuff this week, and his natural lack of experience combined with my lack of understanding came together like a piece of fresh meat in a pool of piranha! We we're the meat.

Finding that balance in parenting an adult, or more accurately - not finding it, all culminated into a major melt-down for me. I had tried everything I knew to do to help Devon in a particular area and I felt like none of it had worked... So, yup - the melt down was the ugly helpless kind, where joined with the tears and snot soiling the pillow that was stuffed in my face as I attempted to pull it together, but couldn't - I had reached the end of myself. And wouldn't you know it, it was at my wit's end that my 'child' sidled up next to me forcing his arm between the wall I was convulsing against and my back, and pulled me towards him - to comfort me. I was helpless and melted right into him. My heart was completely raw, and soft and open, which was when God's work began. Devon proceeded to confess his wrongs, and was genuine and humble. Then he said the word that stung - "TOGETHER"... "Let's do it together". Essentially, instead of doing it for him, or showing  or teaching him... He wanted us to do what I was asking him to do "together", so that he could learn.

It was like a knife in my heart, but not a bad thing... The knife was painful but cleansing. It was God saying "Yeah, you missed the boat, but now you get it." It was in that moment I realized I don't know anything about 'togetherness'. I have always done for, or shown how, or at best, worked on a team. But what does together really mean anyway? Well to be honest, I have no idea. I've never been married, and I haven't really seen what together looks like. I mean, we can put a puzzle together, or walk down a path together, or go to a show together, but together as in partnership? I'm wet behind the ears - but ready to learn.

Matthew7:5
You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

The Brass Tacks

There is no avoiding it - I am going to offend someone. I mean, I was not created to be like you. I believe what I believe, think what I think, and if my intention here is to be honest and true then, well, you might not like what I have to say. In contemplating the content for my next blog post (which turns out to be this one), I kept getting hung up on how to share my life without really pissing someone off. This is impossible, and frankly.. stupid. I don't believe in holding my tongue so as not to offend. I mean - I do think there is decency and respect and consideration to be made, but if I soften what I say due to fear of disagreement or making someone mad, then what's the point?!!

So, let me just throw myself under the bus. For my conservative friends: I am not a teetotaler. I enjoy a nice hot or cold alcoholic drink once or twice a week - sometimes more, sometimes less. I use language that is appropriate for the situation or discussion at hand as inappropriate as you may think it is. I am not a republican, and I have not lost my salvation because of these things. For my typically liberal friends: I love Jesus - I believe he is the son of God and that there is only one God. I don't support abortion, and I don't believe people are born gay, rather I believe people are born sinners and being gay isn't any better or worse than my choosing laziness, comfort or control to serve my perceived  entitlement to "happiness", over the desires of Jesus for my heart and life.

I do believe in loving people, period.

And all this gets me thinking… What happened to having meaningful discussions about hard things that end in relationship rather than hate or secret disdain for one another? Can't we disagree and still love? You don’t have to go very far to see this hatred in proliferated action. Look at the stalemate in politics in America. It doesn’t take a genius to see there is no value placed on the human heart and soul behind the opinion one feels so vehement about. So, how do people grow and learn if discussion is not an option? And what does this say about us as a people? No one has it all figured out. What if you are wrong about something? What if I’m wrong about something? Shouldn’t we love, listen, come to agreement or disagreement, but LOVE first?

So although I will try to be sensitive, I do not promise not to offend. If you disagree with me, or if I have offended you then tell me about it. Let's talk. But let's love first.

Who, What & Why

This is me & my son Devon. I’m a Mamma of an adult child (I like to call him my man-child, but I don’t think he cares for that very much). Devon graduated from high school in ‘09, will be turning 20 this November and is starting his sophomore year at Seattle Pacific University in four weeks. Did I mention I think he's amazing? Cause I definitely do! Aaaand yes; for all those who gasp when I say I have a 19, almost 20 year old son - in fact I am young to have an adult kiddo… I had Devon when I was 17 afterall, and the math didn't change as he grew. (More on that later)

I’ve always wanted to write, but never really have. I don’t know if it’s because it hasn’t been a priority, or I’m lazy, or both. Probably both. And… I’m not sure exactly how this is gonna go - I’m feeling pretty green. I figure structure will follow over time, but considering my intent for this blog I’m not overly worried about it. As a side note: I am pretty sure I suck at grammar and that may be one of the reasons I have stayed in the shadows, but I’m not above having my grammar corrected. I often wish I could do school over again. (More later)

Can you imagine for a moment, being super-duper-duper-glued to someone, for life? I mean - attached at the hip in a way that not for one moment from the time you are born to the time you die will you ever be apart. I’m not talking as in marriage, or through bonding with your children, or close family relationships. I mean like Siamese Twins who share the same legs, the same arms, a heart, even a brain! This is far-fetched I know, but it’s the only way I can figure to describe what it’s like to live with ones self. It’s mind boggling to realize I live with my body, my brain, my heart and my soul 24/7/365.242199/80 (that’s a year to the decimal & a potential 80 years of life fyi) UGH!!! Looking at it that way it sounds miserable, and frankly scary! 

I have a million thoughts and questions in my head. I don’t usually just think something and then be done with it… I tend to mull everything over, research and study things to pieces. Sometimes I end up with answers or resolved ideas, but sometimes I don’t. That’s the black-hole of thought. None-the-less I’m a thinker, and thinking can be exhausting. I’ve had to learn to stop thinking at times lest the process become about whatever I want an answer to be. Sometimes I don’t know, don’t understand and just don’t get it… I’ve come to have a great sense of peace in that confusion. I don’t have to know! (More later)

My intent for this blog is pretty much to be honest, truthful and real about who I am, what I think, what I don’t know & don’t get. This doesn’t mean you all are going to know every corner of my life… There are some things I will only ever share with my spouse (more later), and a close circle of friends who I have felt led to share every intimate detail with. I trust them… I don’t necessarily trust you - and that’s just me being honest.

So I’m pretty excited. I can’t possibly vomit up everything in my head all at once, so it’ll be interesting to see what comes out in the time to come, and then someday look back on it. I hope to use this blog well.