Carson

I have a very close friend who is going through every pregnant womans worst fear. She and her husband were told at 27 weeks gestation, their baby boy would not likely survive his birth, or if he does he would pass away not long after, and if by some miracle he defies those odds, he will live severely disabled needing constant care all his life be it a few days, weeks, months, years, or... how long no one knows.

At some point after their "green light, everything looks good" ultrasound at 20 weeks, Carson's brain stopped developing properly and basically hemorrhaged. He's had hydrocephalus and his cerebellum has not grown properly. Because my friend has gestational diabetes, they were scheduled for another ultrasound at 27 weeks just to measure the size of the baby. Had it not been for that condition, prompting that ultrasound, they would not have known any of this until his birth.

My friends name is Alicia, but I call her Cheddar, Cheddy, Ched, or some form of cheese. (Yes, there is a story there...) Cheddy has become like a sister to me, and I love her very very much. She and I are very different in some ways. She would like a house in a small town of about 500, with a daisy lined white picket fence and a summertime 4th of July parade featuring all the locals. I'm a pretty "brass tacks" gritty somewhat dilapidated brownstone city girl who'd just assume ditch the 4th of July parade for Bumbershoot and Folk-Life downtown. I don't think either of us would argue that we find this part of each other hard to understand or swallow at times. But there are two things that unite us over all of that, bridging the gap in our personalities and bonding us together as dear friends and sisters. It is the acute awareness of our sin and need for Jesus. God brought us together as friends, and despite our superficial differences, this is why I love her:

One of the things I love most about her is her honesty, willingness to be transparent, vulnerable, and to hear hard words. A self confessed people pleasing perfectionist, Ched would prefer to have a life plan handed down from heaven with color coding, Wikipedia articles, and other comprehensive reference materials. I'm pretty sure she's disappointed "Strong" didn't develop a "Concordance" specifically addressed to the unfolding of her life. This will make her laugh... because she knows it's true. She's not afraid to admit this, or have someone say it about her (I asked her even though I knew she'd be ok with it). She knows that that stuff doesn't bring her closer to God, and more than anything she want's to be close to God. I remember a few years ago, her telling me and another good friend of ours, Ann, that she knows she needs to learn how to be still, and not do anything, and to let God "do", but that she didn't even know how to start to learn how to be still. Ann and I both told her to just sit and do nothing - no expectations from God... just calling out to him. It was like she was a deer in headlights, completely knowing but completely confused. She is a transformed woman today.

Cheddy is an amazing woman, and has grown in Jesus a great deal over the years since that conversation, but in the last 12 weeks since she received the life-altering news about Carson, I have watched her struggle and surrender in ways some people live to be 100 and never do. Why? Because she is not enough and she knows it. On her knees, messy and wrecked... begging and pleading and bartering with God to change her circumstances, asking for a miracle of full and complete healing of Carson's little body and brain, she has come to Him, empty of herself, crying out, unable to fix this - in any possible way. All she can do is turn to Jesus... empty. Willing to accept that he may not perform a miracle... that he probably will not... but still asking, still hopeful and knowing that he can and does heal. We want that. We all want that and are all asking for that. But what if God doesn't choose to heal Carson here on earth? Is he not still God? Do we not still worship him? Do we claim to know better that him? Alicia is at the end of herself, messy, hurting, angry, confused... But she still worships Jesus.

It's been heart wrenching. I have never been the friend of someone who has had to go through this devastating experience. It's been humbling to walk with her in her darkest most cavernous-feeling places. It's been an honor to know her and see her heart turn to God in her utter weakness. It's been difficult for me at times to know what to say, and how to say it. It's been silencing to know and see how God uses tribulation for his glory. It's been raw, and painful, and hard... This is unchartered territory for everyone. But what I do know is, that God's got this one.

Alicia is scheduled for a c-section this Wednesday Sept. 29th at 10:30am. I will be at the hospital praying for her, Carson, the doctors, her family... Please pray with me. Here is a link to Team Carson on Facebook.